the first step to recovery

so, i'm feeling a bit better than the last time i posted. after having a really lame couple of weeks and wishing and waiting for four months, the coldplay concert finally happened. it was so amazing, and i got to go with a friend who i hadn't been in touch with for awhile (which was one of the things that had been working against me). so i had that one really fun night and since then i've been a bit more optimistic about where i'm at. sure, i'm still nervous about my grades, but i decided that since i can't go back and redo anything, i should give it my best effort for the last few weeks of the semester and chalk the results up to a learning experience on the consequences of pride and laziness. and not let it happen again. but really, even though school is important and i do want to make the most of this opportunity, there is more to life that is more important. i.e. my "relationship" with, um, the Creator of the Universe and Savior of my soul. those quotation marks kill me to insert, but that pretty much sums up the situation in my (neglected) soul. but hey, being able to admit that there is a problem is the first step to recovery, right? it's getting to that second part, where there is actually action involved, that's tricky...

lost?

yes. i feel like little pieces of my life are falling away from me, and all that is left is me, alone. my friends are making new friends and less time for this old one. people who used to care about me. they don't show it anymore. i only care about school enough to care that my grades are not as good as i would like for them to be, but i don't care enough to change. i have even been questioning by belovedness for some time now. life is not the way it used to be, and i miss that. i'm scared. i want to believe that this is just some depressing period of transition that i will soon outgrow in favor of better things in life. but i don't know what lies ahead of me. only that i often long for what is behind. i don't know where i am right now, and i don't know where i am going. i have not been trusting in God because the world has caused me to question my faith, and i am so ashamed. i need Him more than ever at this time in my life, and i have never felt farther away. i have always been happy, and now i'm not. and not just right now, in this moment, but constantly. i don't want to feel alone, but i want to be alone because i feel that way. when i established this blog, i was in a completely different mental state with a total opposite view of life. i didn't imagine my first post would be like this. i don't know why this is happening, and i wonder when i will start caring enough to do something about it. until then, i'll just be... lost.