it's been a very long time...

...but tonight i need this. it's raining and i'm sitting on my front porch, which i have not done in a very, very long time. not since i've had no one to sit with. and it's experiences like this, especially when done for the first time, that bring so many memories and such vulnerability with them. i know this is just a part of life, and i know that He has a plan for me; that makes it easier to understand, but not by any means does that make this easy. it's been so long that i don't even like to bring it up anymore. i don't know when i'll feel enough closure to move on, to be ready, but that doesn't matter. He knows, and i trust Him. for now, all that matters is that regardless of how alone i may feel right now, on this porch in this blanket watching and listening to the rain, i am never really alone. and that unconditional, ever-faithful love is the one i want, no matter what else is going on in my life. that is the love that holds my heart together when it feels like pieces are missing, and that is the love i want forever. 

hello, my name is ____, and i am an addict

the epiphanies just keep on comin'. 

many of my friends, particularly men, smoke on a regular basis. they are addicted to tobacco. tonight, i was out on the porch with one of these said friends at his apartment as he smoked a cigarette, watching the rain fall and the lightening crack. and i was thinking, why do i dislike smoking so much? every way, shape and form is utterly unappealing to me. obviously one major reason is the health risk. but i've become accustomed to being around people who smoke cigars, and it doesn't bother me so much anymore. the cigarettes are a more recent development, which i have always hated cigarettes, and they rather perturb me still. and i was telling my friend how bad they are for him as though they are so much worse than cigars or what not. but then i realized it's all pretty questionable, especially if you're addicted, which they all are, who cares to what. and then i started thinking, who am i to be calling them out on their addiction when i have plenty of my own that are just less obvious? which in a way almost makes them worse, because they are easier to hide and more difficult to pinpoint. like watching tv, or getting on facebook, or various other forms of wasting my time. we all have addictions, they come in so many shapes and sizes. it's whatever you default to during times you should be spending with God. my friends smoke to relax. i watch tv and cruise the internet to relax. these are things that bring us comfort. but what should actually be the source of our comfort? or who, rather? God. when my friend lights up  a cigarette, or when i'm on my second hour of tv in a row, we are both seeking comfort and satisfaction in things other than God. what if instead of doing either of those things, we picked up our bibles, or spent some time in quiet worship? those things are relaxing and comforting, and infinitely healthier and more productive. the amount of time we spend doing completely meaningless things, whether it be taking smoke breaks, watching tv, shopping at the mall, getting wasted on alcohol, gossiping, or pretty much anything completely devoid of God, is absolutely ridiculous. it's criminal. there are periods of time after which i look back and wonder what i was doing with my life, because nothing noteworthy or memorable occurred. i can be so useless sometimes. more often than not, in fact. and when i think about that, it honestly makes me wonder why God even keeps me around. but maybe it's because my purpose still lies ahead. i opened a fortune cookie the other day that contained the first worthwhile quote i can remember in my 19 years on earth/sampling various asian cuisines. it said that it is never too late for a fresh start. i have to believe that, to believe that anytime my heart is renewed and willing to submit to God's will, that he will accept it. if i didn't think that was true, i might as well be dead. 

yeah, about that...

ok, so that second part titled "action" that i previously mentioned? apparently i don't know what that word means. i'm still in the state of realization, but instead of fixing the problem i seem to be either avoiding it or wallowing in my shortcomings, which are two activities that i find get me nowhere. i'm so bogged down. i'm stuck. in a rut. like somewhere along the road i traded in my jeep for a honda and then found that i had careened into a ditch and am now rendered  unable to roll on out due to the shortcomings of my sedan and my own lack of interest. wow that is sad. help me. and as i ask that, i wonder that if you tried, would i accept? how much longer can i possibly survive this way? i want to live.

the first step to recovery

so, i'm feeling a bit better than the last time i posted. after having a really lame couple of weeks and wishing and waiting for four months, the coldplay concert finally happened. it was so amazing, and i got to go with a friend who i hadn't been in touch with for awhile (which was one of the things that had been working against me). so i had that one really fun night and since then i've been a bit more optimistic about where i'm at. sure, i'm still nervous about my grades, but i decided that since i can't go back and redo anything, i should give it my best effort for the last few weeks of the semester and chalk the results up to a learning experience on the consequences of pride and laziness. and not let it happen again. but really, even though school is important and i do want to make the most of this opportunity, there is more to life that is more important. i.e. my "relationship" with, um, the Creator of the Universe and Savior of my soul. those quotation marks kill me to insert, but that pretty much sums up the situation in my (neglected) soul. but hey, being able to admit that there is a problem is the first step to recovery, right? it's getting to that second part, where there is actually action involved, that's tricky...

lost?

yes. i feel like little pieces of my life are falling away from me, and all that is left is me, alone. my friends are making new friends and less time for this old one. people who used to care about me. they don't show it anymore. i only care about school enough to care that my grades are not as good as i would like for them to be, but i don't care enough to change. i have even been questioning by belovedness for some time now. life is not the way it used to be, and i miss that. i'm scared. i want to believe that this is just some depressing period of transition that i will soon outgrow in favor of better things in life. but i don't know what lies ahead of me. only that i often long for what is behind. i don't know where i am right now, and i don't know where i am going. i have not been trusting in God because the world has caused me to question my faith, and i am so ashamed. i need Him more than ever at this time in my life, and i have never felt farther away. i have always been happy, and now i'm not. and not just right now, in this moment, but constantly. i don't want to feel alone, but i want to be alone because i feel that way. when i established this blog, i was in a completely different mental state with a total opposite view of life. i didn't imagine my first post would be like this. i don't know why this is happening, and i wonder when i will start caring enough to do something about it. until then, i'll just be... lost.