it's been a very long time...

...but tonight i need this. it's raining and i'm sitting on my front porch, which i have not done in a very, very long time. not since i've had no one to sit with. and it's experiences like this, especially when done for the first time, that bring so many memories and such vulnerability with them. i know this is just a part of life, and i know that He has a plan for me; that makes it easier to understand, but not by any means does that make this easy. it's been so long that i don't even like to bring it up anymore. i don't know when i'll feel enough closure to move on, to be ready, but that doesn't matter. He knows, and i trust Him. for now, all that matters is that regardless of how alone i may feel right now, on this porch in this blanket watching and listening to the rain, i am never really alone. and that unconditional, ever-faithful love is the one i want, no matter what else is going on in my life. that is the love that holds my heart together when it feels like pieces are missing, and that is the love i want forever. 

hello, my name is ____, and i am an addict

the epiphanies just keep on comin'. 

many of my friends, particularly men, smoke on a regular basis. they are addicted to tobacco. tonight, i was out on the porch with one of these said friends at his apartment as he smoked a cigarette, watching the rain fall and the lightening crack. and i was thinking, why do i dislike smoking so much? every way, shape and form is utterly unappealing to me. obviously one major reason is the health risk. but i've become accustomed to being around people who smoke cigars, and it doesn't bother me so much anymore. the cigarettes are a more recent development, which i have always hated cigarettes, and they rather perturb me still. and i was telling my friend how bad they are for him as though they are so much worse than cigars or what not. but then i realized it's all pretty questionable, especially if you're addicted, which they all are, who cares to what. and then i started thinking, who am i to be calling them out on their addiction when i have plenty of my own that are just less obvious? which in a way almost makes them worse, because they are easier to hide and more difficult to pinpoint. like watching tv, or getting on facebook, or various other forms of wasting my time. we all have addictions, they come in so many shapes and sizes. it's whatever you default to during times you should be spending with God. my friends smoke to relax. i watch tv and cruise the internet to relax. these are things that bring us comfort. but what should actually be the source of our comfort? or who, rather? God. when my friend lights up  a cigarette, or when i'm on my second hour of tv in a row, we are both seeking comfort and satisfaction in things other than God. what if instead of doing either of those things, we picked up our bibles, or spent some time in quiet worship? those things are relaxing and comforting, and infinitely healthier and more productive. the amount of time we spend doing completely meaningless things, whether it be taking smoke breaks, watching tv, shopping at the mall, getting wasted on alcohol, gossiping, or pretty much anything completely devoid of God, is absolutely ridiculous. it's criminal. there are periods of time after which i look back and wonder what i was doing with my life, because nothing noteworthy or memorable occurred. i can be so useless sometimes. more often than not, in fact. and when i think about that, it honestly makes me wonder why God even keeps me around. but maybe it's because my purpose still lies ahead. i opened a fortune cookie the other day that contained the first worthwhile quote i can remember in my 19 years on earth/sampling various asian cuisines. it said that it is never too late for a fresh start. i have to believe that, to believe that anytime my heart is renewed and willing to submit to God's will, that he will accept it. if i didn't think that was true, i might as well be dead.